There ain’t but one homo club in my town (Liverslick texas). It’s called the Lopin’ Buffalo. Anyways, I hang out there sometimes (alot) and I’ve made some good “friends” there.
Anyways, I was hanging out down at the Lopin Buffalo...
I have a ex lover named Hosni Mubarak Jackson. He’s pretty sexy (africo-american) and he is a dominant homo.
Anyways, hosni started dating another older man recently and they was getting pretty heavy. But the older man wouldn’t put out no anus because...
I don’t know if you yall know this bout me but I am a tender homosexual man what is very in touch with his efeminine side. What that means is I am tender and caring. I love to hug and touch and finger. I love to watch soap oprahs and listen to tender music...
I was feeling old earlier, so tonight I came home and I got on my stair master (registered trademark). Then I ran a set of jumper cables from a car battery to my rooster sack. I know I am a homo sinner, but I consider myself to be a good Christian anyways. Tonight...
Today I was putting on a pair of my skinny pants and I was jumping up and down and sucking in my junk. Then one a my buttons popped and hummed across the room and hit my dad in the eye. He put his hand on his face, bent over and squealed like a pig. Then he said,...
When my friend Meatpie sees a purdy girl, sometimes he says ‘I would eat the corn outta her shit.” I don’t know why he says that. Anyways, the other day I ate a can of del monte corn. Then later that day, I humped out a pile of goat meal. After...
I got in a discussion with my uncle corn tonight. He said the noise a vagirna makes when it gets too much air in it is called a “fnart.” I said “no its not. It’s a quiff”.
He said “No, it aint. it’s a fnart.” Then...
Conversation tonight.
Girlfriend: “If you don’t lose 40 pounds I’m not having sex with you anymore. You look like a buffalo.”
Me: ”If you don’t shave your moustache, I’m not having sex with you anymore. You look like...
My nephew told me about a web sight on the ww called “Craig ads” and he said if I go there I can put up my resumee and get a job. Anyways, I was thinking about going there and putting up an ad so I could become a Catholic priest. I think I have all...
The other day, my aunt Choopie got all mad at me and told me I was a “bad person.” She said that homos what like 18 years old (midget) boys is sinners and are all going to live with the satan at his house on 7734 hell road. At first when aunt choopie...
Today I was at the barkin’ burger over on Dixie street and I was just wating in line to get my food and I looked up and the boy working at the cash register was the most butiful thing I ever saw. He was like a sweet cherub with red cheeks. it was like there...
Today a bird shit on my head. Usually I would have throwed a tempar tantrum and screamed and throwed a rock at the bird, but tonight I didn’t. Tonight I am going to wear this bird shit on my head. Because I am going to have a new relationship with the universe....
I’ll tell you what makes me laugh. All them forners what get on the ww internet and fuck up there spelling and the language and all that. Well we (white people) invented the ww and so if your gonna use it than you need to spell shit right. Then those people...
My nephew’s name is Harold, but we call him Puddin’ (he don’t like that name, but we call him it anyways.)
Puddin’ likes to go hunting and get back to nature. The other day I was at my grammas house and Puddin’ was there. He was...
I am sort of a inventer. Some of the things I invented have been pretty useful to humanaty. For instance, I invented the Foreman grill. I also invented the solid fuel booster engine what NASA uses to ejaculate people into space. I made some bucks off that one....
Sometimes when its cold you have to be outside by yourself and so then I have to find a different way to stay warm. I get excited when I feel a cheek roaster rumbling through my pipes because I know it’s going to come out and its going to go right down both...
I have a aunt named “Blossom.” I don’t know her real name. I don’t think nobody else does niether. One time I asked one a my cousins why blossom is named that, and he said, “It’s because she has a hi-pressure beaver pouch.”
I...
I find this sexy and that ain't right.
I know some people go to the Alcoholics Anonimous to get cured of having problems. I tried that but it didn’t work for what’s wrong with me. Then I looked in the phone book next to aa, but I couldn’t...
Yesterday, my cousin (Peanut) had to git a root canal. Everybody says a root canal ain’t no fun. So Peanut decided he would make it fun. He took a hit of the acid right before his root canal.
I don’t think he had fun.
A lot of bad stuff happened and...
I take a shower every week, and sometimes when Im in the shower I let my dog come in the bathroom. My dogs name is “turd.” That’s short for “dog what has shit stuck to his ass wool because he can’t wipe” but that name is too...
Today I got lucky because I got a visit from my uncle (Armpit) and his little boyfriend (Snoopy). I always like it when Armpit and Snoopy drop by because they are a lot of fun. Armpit (fat fella ) usually brings some beer or whiskey and we get to drinkin. Then...
My sponser at the AA says jesus can take away my obsession for anything if I just asked him politely. I squeezed my eyes shut real hard and told baby jesus to help me stop having no obsessions. But right after that I ate two tubs of ice cream, drank some boones,...
I have a midget “friend”. His real name is Rufus Jackson, but he goes by “the corndog”. He likes to come hang around my house with me and my dog. My dog’s name is Turd. That’s short for “dog what has a turd caught in his...
For 2012, I resolve not to stand in the front yard with my fruit hanging out of my pants, screaming at people as they walk by.
I was watching my dog (named turd. Best friend) lick his cherry sack lately, and I’ve been real jealous of that. And then every once in a while he stretches just a little farther and takes a little lick at his bean popper. It looks like it feels real good,...
Sometimes I take walks with my dog (his name is Turd and he is my best friend). Some days when there ain’t no kids or other people around, I pull my fruit out of my pants and let it get a little wind. I get worried about my balls being all cooped up in my...
I’ve been dating lately, because I am single sexy man. Last night, I invited one of my “friends” over. His name is Abraham Lincoln Jones, but his nickname is “Lard.” We met at the bingo night, and we became close. He is fat and always...
Everybody’s always, like, “You should relax.” So today I did relax — because it’s lord’s birthday and all that shit. And then I kept relaxing and relaxing. And pretty soon I felt like I was in Narvarna. And then I was so relaxed...
My uncle Turnip is nice, and we’re pretty close. But he eats a lot of stuff like tacos and beer nuts and stuff.
My neighbor just threw a plastic deer at me and yelled, “YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!” The deer missed.
I took a sip of my wine cooler and said, “Yes. I know.”
She gave me the finger and went back into her house.
I’m keeping the deer.
I released a prize of a sheet steamer in bed tonight. I liked the way it smelled, but I don’t think my girlfriend did, because she vomited on the dog.
My girlfriend is pretty angry with me right now, and she keeps asking what’s wrong with me. I don’t...
Tonight I put a hotdog weiner in my butt. Then I took a coat hanger and put it over the stove for a while. Then I gently inserted the coathanger into the center of the wienerdog in my butt and I slowly roasted it from the inside (felt nice). When i finished, I...
I guess when you get too fat, your balls and your legs get squeezed together. Then, when you only got one leg (cause the other one got blowt off in nam) and you walk around, the hair down there gets all knotted up and then tears itself out. Anyway, for the last...
I have a few questions.
1. When you rub your privates when your looking at sweet porn, are you doing it because you don’t want your machinery to wear out? I used to do it because I thought the people on the VHS were hot, and then I would blow hot lotion all...
I bet if Jesus knew I went balls-deep in a black fellow named “Grumpy Guns” tonight (while singing the Heat Miser song) he would be real mad at me. I bet Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry would be mad too.
It’s even worse...
Hi I woke up this morning and I thought of something I needed to say to the world.
Doing the laundry is like putting medacine on the herpees: it doesn’t really matter how careful you are, or how much work you put into it, or how good a job you do. It just...
Far be it from me to relieve myself in my own back yard at the precise moment the Joneses are re-enacting Antietam. I’m no marriage counsellor, nor am I a mathematician, but here’s my best shot. Nine beers, plus old marriage, plus teenage fuck-up, plus...
No longer do I have to worry about small furry animals dying in my ass. They might get stuck, but they won’t be dead.
My father’s sense of humor is like a cross between a chainsaw cutting through steel pipe, and a big fat, woolly prison inmate shitting all over a crying midget. My father thinks he’s funny. I don’t know why he thinks that. When he tells “jokes”...
Messicans are good for sociaty. They make the world a better place.
They invented tacos. Plus they kicked the shit out of davy Crockett at the alamo (very difficult). Plus they ain’t afraid of losing there virginity or dealing drugs. That takes alot of balls....
Hate is a lot like herpes: it itches and burns. And other stuff. But you can’t let it win. My motto is, “If the state takes something important away from you, don’t hate. Stand up and fight it like herpes. Even if you have to get a prescription.”...
You can tell a lot about a person’s lifestyle by the way he smells. For instance, I was standing next to an Pakistani man today, and I could tell he liked to shit his pants.
If you hear anything in the list below after I drop a load of corny juice in your pocket, you should get the hint that it’s time for you to get in your Chrysler and go home:
1. Herpes? I don’t think we talked about it. Did we?
2. Do you want to help...
People eat liver, fish eggs, raw beef, anus-tainted semen, insects, pig feet, duck asshole, pig asshole, cow asshole, worms, whale blubber, and bee shit. They drink thick white liquid from bovines. People put all sorts of shit in their mouths.
I eat my own scabs,...
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I’m so beautiful it makes my nipples hard as little nails. They could cut glass. I feel sorry for other people who have to look at me and realize they can’t have me.
My favorite new game is called “clean the turd splatter with your urine stream.” If you pee on the same spot six or seven times, it usually loosens up and washes away. That’s useful information of you’re too lazy to clean your shitter like...
My dogs name is Turd (short for ‘dog can’t keep shit from sticking to his fur’ but that name is to long so i call him turd.). He cleans his asshole with his tongue at 4 am. I don’t no why my stupid fucker dog can’t lick his tank during...
I would like to learn the karete so I could kick the shit out of some people. Like my neighbor is a asshole and lets his dog crap on my lawn. And sometimes he lets his dog drag his woolly ass across my lawn too (dog has worms). If I took kerata or jewdo, I would...
Today my girlfriend asked me to give her my definition of “monogamous.” Apparently it didn’t match up with hers, because my definition failed to exclude midgets, goats, and small furry animals inserted into my a-school. So then she was...
I put a walkie talkie under my neighbor’s bedroom window a few nights ago. Now I just push the button every once in a while and make the “dead cow” noise. Last night she came and knocked on my door, but I faked like I was asleep. I don’t...
I gave myself a coffee enema tonight. Now I have third-degree burns on my ass lips and I can’t hardly sit down. I have no idea how I’m going to evacuate my bowels tomorrow.
Whoever came up with the idea of cleaning out one’s butt with coffee was...
Great things about being a homosexual:
1. Christians hate you, so you don’t have to go to church.
2. No abortions!
3. You can do your own hair.
This is, by the way, an excellent example of how I maximize controversy by combining “tough” issues....
I was watching the t.v. the other day and Orpha was on. I like orpha alot because she is a friend to the gays, retards, homeless, retarded, and to the crippled. I think Orpah and I would be good freinds if she would ever meet me.
Anyways, I got to thinking about...
It’s real hot in Liver Slick Texas. When I scoot around, the humidity and heat make my giggle sack hang real low. And then it starts rubbing on my legs and gives me rash pants.
So here’s my question: why come women get to put their bulbs in a cradle,...
I think when two people are in love, they should be able to make constructive suggestions to each other. For instance, tonight, I very gently told my girlfriend that her vagina was a little woolly, and that the sex between us was a lot like making love to a pirate’s...
It gits pretty hot in Liverslick, TX. I guess that’s why my cousin Flower has a cup of southern comfort between her goat feeders. I don’t no why she’s wearing that hat. I guess it means she’s the queen of the fat women what can hold drinks...
Today, another christian woman knocked on my door while I was busy. “Busy” is the important part. She said, “I’d like to teach you about Jesus Christ.” Then I said, “I’d like to teach you about getting the complete works...
The other day I was fixin my rascal chair because it had a broke wheel. I was using my powerdrill and I saw that it spins real fast. So I put some axel grease it.
Then I accedentally took off my underpanties and put my legs behind my head and then I put...
Everybody’s always talking about how real men have big old crank shafts. My goblin is so small though. It’s like a little baby chocolate rasin hiding in all the fur around my goblin sack.
Anyways, I guess that’s why I am a gay homo sinner man....
A christian came to my door last night. She said, “I would like to tell you about the love of Jesus. Will you come to our church?”
I said, “Do you have pizza there?”
She said, “Yes.”
I said, “Will Jesus forgive me for...
Tonight I found out I can put baking soda on my balls and they won’t stink no more. Thank you arm & hammer. It’s nice cuddling up with the corndog and watching Tom Hank movies without it smelling like vinegar and mold under the covers.
I am very happy right now. I just got picked as a fluffor for a new movie. One of my friends from hi school is making the movie (right here in liverslick). His name is Mort. He won’t tell me what the movie is about, and I don’t even know what a “fluffor”...
My dad is dating a 22-year-old. He’s 77. He’s pretty proud of himself.
Tonight, he said, “Darlene is like a mechanical bull.”
Me: “What?”
Dad: “She sure does like to fuck.”
Me: “I don’t really want to...
I used to want to die peacefully in my sleep. But I don’t want that anymore. I want to go out like a hero (like grasshopper). Here are a few ways I’d like to die:
1. Suffocating on 3 pounds of African cock meat.
2. Suffocating under 400 pounds of...
Jesus
n. Someone who accomplishes a task, or tasks extremely poorly, as if having infuriated many Romans and Jews, thereby condemning oneself to walk a long way, bearing an extremely heavy object, being lashed and ridiculed, and ultimately being nailed to said...
I was cleaning out my bathroom today, and I found a bottle of something called “Polish cleaner.” I guess my old girlfriend (before I was a gay) was making love with someone from Poland. I’m glad we’re broke up.
My nephew Joonior was at a truckstop last week and he met a big furry man named Bobby. Apparently Joonior went in the bathroom with Bobby and then Bobby filled Joonior’s turd tube with about 14 inches of stiff man roast.
Anyway’s Joonior ain’t...
I have lived for years with the notion that homsexuality is “okay” (because I am). I have accepted “negroes.’ And yet, I have rejected the nomenclature “negro” in favor of ”African-American.” I have embraced the...
I went on a date with a man from the “suds and bowl’ the other night. He’s a nice man named Derek. He is in his fifties with a nice figure. He’s in charge of setting up the bowling pins after someone rolls the ball down the shoot.
Anyways...
I have a neighbor who is an asshole. He took a key to my gremlin a few months ago because I might have accidentally stole his newspaper and had ‘relations’ with some of his livestock. But I don’t think that means he can key my car.
Anyways, tonight...
I’ve figured out, um, that if you totally make a statement look like a question, but using the word, “um,” and then ending in a question mark, you’ll totally be forgivable and cute? For instance, um, I’m hooked on porn, and I have...
I don’t see what all the fuss is about.
Thanks to everyone for my happy birthdays. I don’t know why you’re all being so nice. I’m sort of a dick, and I smell bad. I was crying so hard earlier that my mascara was running down my face and I looked like a wet raccoon. But then I saw...
I have tried for a long time to have a sexy boyfriend, but I keep not having one, because they always break up. If you are good with relationships, can you tell me what’s wrong? Here’s some of the reasons boys have broke up with me.
1. It don’t...
A lot of people poke fun at me because I like to have sexual relations in my anus by a man (because I’m a gay). But that don’t mean I can’t apreciate a good vagana.
I did a little resarch on the ww internet and I found out a lot of interesting...
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I get to eating stuff. I try to be healthy and not eat at the macdonalds all the time (egg macmuffons are my favrite). Anyways, sometimes I wake up and I think instead of eating shit food I’m gonna try something else....
I am mad that I have a real big fish bat (way hung longer than Burt Reynolds), plus the fact that I am way sexier than mark e. mark, no women have offered to support me (financially). I didn’t get one offer. Plus I’m smarter than Barack Obarma. I just...
My nefew’s name is Hector, but we just call him Joonior. He’s a pretty sexy young man and he’s a hetero, but he can’t get no tail. He came to my apartment the other day and asked him if I could help him figger out how to get some pussy....
I was just wondering if there were any hot ladies out there who might be willing to take care of me (financially). I am a gay, but I would be willing to service your honey slit a couple of times a month if you support me. Just forward your cualifications to me,...
I played scrabble with the Corndog and aunt Blossem last night. Apparently “Puto” isn’t considered a real Engish word (even though it clearly means “good tipper”).
I just learnt a new word in spanish. Did you know “puto” means really good tipper? I like Spanish. It’s such purdy language. It’s not like german. German sounds like a bunch of dwarves hocking grease balls all over a rape victim.
Puto...
I keep thinking about when Forrest Gump said, “Life is like a box of chocolates.” And then I think about how much I’d love to shove a box of chocolates up his goat hole. Life is not a box of chocolates. Life is a box of kangaroo shit. It looks...
Today I was at a new year party and I was standing next to a iranian woman. My stomach was starting to cramp and gurgle and I didn’t no what to do so I just let a real long fart slide out of my anus. It must have lasted about five minutes and it felt real...
1. I love being motherly.
2. Breasts are fun to touch and play with.
3. IBID re: “vagina.”
4. Men hock up nasty shit. Women don’t.
5. Men invade. They invade places like “Austria,” and “Poland,” and “The Soviet Union,”...
I just want to say that the porno is the answer to a lot of problems. For instance my right arm. It is just as strong as my left arm. I’m glad I don’t have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), because I don’t want my right arm to be weak.
There are a...
Christmas sucks. I think I’ll go kick over my neighbor’s ugly black Santa Claus and scream at her. That’ll probably make me feel better. Until I get arrested. And spend Christmas night in the tank being the wife of somebody named “Rump Snuff.”
Happy holiday to all you. Thank you for being my friend (and Turd’s friend to) for another year. I’m not sure why you all do it, but I guess it’s because I’m charming and I have a ‘way with the word’. You might also be my...
Tonight I told my dad, “I’m going to build a fire and chill out.”
My dad said, “I’ll do you one better. I’m going to put catfish blood on my dick and let the dog lick it off.”
I ain’t got nothing against my dad having...
It’s pretty clear everyone hear seems to think I’m stupid but I ain’t stupid. Let me tell you something. I’m hot, okay. And I can pick up men. I had three underware models come to my door just tonight and request sex (I said no). I don’t...
I love jesus. But I’m still confused. Christianity says we ain’t supposed to have earthly values, but we’re supposed to go to church all the time and shit. That means church should be valuble, right? It seems like they just want to scare us...
Some people look at trees and get sad. They want to save the trees. And thats very nice. But when I look at a tree, I think about what if that tree gets bored. If I was a tree and I had to stay in the same place all the time — with no t.v. or porn or booze...
I’m having a contest. Anybody (man) who can bring me to climax more than 20 times in an hour wins. The only rules is that you have to have a pulse and a giggle knob.
Here’s what the winner gets:
1. A signed copy of me posing with the corpipe (negro...
When people stick their thumb in the air, why does that mean “good?” Who decided that? If I didn’t already know a thumb in the air meant “good,” I would probably think it meant something like, “I really want to stick this up...
I just heard the word “doobie” in a movie. What a stupid word. It’s like calling a vagina a “purple murple.” That would be stupid. A vagina is a vagina. It’s a succulent piece of love flesh that offers endless pleasure. It’s...
I totally have all (most of) my hair, all my teeth, and I have nice legs. And I can do math. Plus I could knock out a monkey with my balls. And I don’t even need Viagra. I totally deserve a hot 28-year-old professional who isn’t prone to temper tantrums....
I’m like a cross between Hugh Hefner, John F. Kennedy, and Kojak. I’m so fucking cool it’s almost pitiable. But not quite.
So I was out with this really hot chick tonight. We went to Outback Steakhouse (because that’s how I roll in this economy). I ordered a steak. Obviously.
We ate, and I noticed I had a piece of meat stuck between my front molars (whatever they’re called)....
I just took Viagra. Now I have an enormous boner. I don’t actually feel like “makin’ love.” But I am singing that song by Bad Company in my head. Wow. How annoying. I hate that song. I liked it in the 7th grade, though. I wish it would get...
I think this is the answer I’ve been looking for. I hope I come back as a bike seat in my next life.
http://www.smellmeand.com/gb/#/home/
The marketing genius behind this campaign has my eternal gratitude. I’ve been in the bathroom for four hours (still...
A little self-loathing and disparagement are in order. I’m an idiot. Q.E.D.
I just met a woman who claims to be a Vietnamese anal princess. I told her I wasn’t into the backdoor. She pulled out a bunch of candy corns. And some condoms. And a penis. What would Michael Eisner do?
Tonight I was at the pub, and I asked a very skinny, bald, aging man if he’d make love to me.
He said, “I’ll kick your ass, you queer.”
I said, “No you won’t. But I’ll still make love to you.”
He said, “I’m...
I just watched a man shove a dachsund up his nose and pull it out his mouth. That really took me back to my childhood. (My uncle Farnham got choked to death by a ferret when I was five.) I’m pretty sad right now. I loved my Uncle Farnham quite a lot.
I feel so blessed that god has given me two legs and two arms. I’m equally happy that he’s only permitted three of my teeth to fall out. I love god, and his son (Jesus). I’m hoping that my relationship with them — along with my appreciation...
I had a great conversation with an ex-Soviet citizen tonight, and I got to thinking… What if I had had access to Joseph Stalin. And what if I had “charmed” him — you know, what if he had let me cradle his marbles and let me sing “Somewhere...
I was at the pub tonight, and I saw a hot girl. I walked up to her and said, “What do you do?”
She looked at me skeptically and said, “I’m a mathematician.” I
nodded. Then I said, “My weiner is the square root of 81 inches long.”
She...
At 21, I screamed to get what I wanted. At 31, I negotiated to get what I wanted. Now, at 41, I get screamed at a lot. Which is sort of weird. But I have everything I want, so I’m going to put on a condom. Because I think I’m about to have an epiphany.
Everyone has cool ringtones. My friends have Lady Gaga, or Justin Timberlake, or Star Wars, or whatever. My ringtone sucks. It’s just a bird chirping. But that’s about to change, because I put a microphone in my dad’s toilet tonight. He ate brussel...
My butt has been getting bigger. I took a pregnancy test, but it came back negative. I haven’t been eating french fries. But then I realized I’m an American. So that’s cool, and I guess it’s okay to be a little bit of a fatass. As long as...
I got stung by another wasp today. That’s two in one week. I can understand why flies are attracted to me. That makes sense. But wasps? Just because I cut bushes they have to puncture my skin and inject poison into me? That seems dramatic. One good thing,...
My cornpipe has morning sickness. It’s not even morning. I ate way too many “joosypeppers” with my cabbage this afternoon at lunch. Jalapeenas are so evil. This is why Jesus invented sin. I am currently “repenting.” I have to go now.
Do you know what OS means in Latin? It means “Lie.”
Why do these turd sacks give their operating systems secret code names? Why? Is it so they’ll be protected when the piece of shit finally hits the market? How does the moniker “Longhorn” protect...
Okay, look. I know I talk about fat people a lot. And I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot of fat people write to me and say, “Hey, man? What’s with all the ‘fat’ jokes? We can’t, like, help it.”
Actually you can help it. But...
I think it’s cool how you can use the Lord’s son’s name as an XHTML tag. Check this out.
<Jesus> I just saw this guy running naked down the street. Then this woman came running after him with a rifle. Then she stopped and fired a load of...
I just saw a commercial for something called Yaz. It was birth control. And every girl in it was muy hot.
It’s clear to me that these birth control companies are just trying to get men to start taking birth control. They obviously want men to think if they...
I was eating soup with my girlfriend tonight. She was sort of paying too much attention to The Office, so I said, “I’m going to drink bourbon and beat you.”
She started laughing, and soup came out her nose. I guess she doesn’t believe I...
There are two types of people in this world: those who innovate, and those who burn them at the stake. Which one are you?
I just heard a song. The words said, “I want this more than life.” I guess I’m just old. How can you want something to the degree of “dead?” Does this make any fucking sense at all? Young people are stupid. But I suppose they sing...
I’m so excited that I can meet single women on Facebook! Let me tell you just how much that gives me an enormous erection. Without Viagra! I wonder if I can make $5000 a week from home? Oh WAIT! Lookie THERE! I can! I love Facebook. It makes me feel like...
Every time I login to Facebook, it says “What’s on your mind?” That’s stupid. Where do I start, Facebook? Where? How about this?
1. Slavery.
2. Herpes.
3. Fez Wearing Andy.
4. The half-life of penicillin.
3. The fact that I spelt “penicillin” correctly...
The other day I wrote that I was going to take off all my clothes and cry in my closet. So within about an hour, I got a call from three friends, a suicide counselor, and a priest.
You people just don’t get it do you? Not everything you read is true. I kept...
Let’s see. Which part of this photograph stupefies me the most? Is it:
1. The fat guy with the matching denim shirt and shorts?
2. The fat person who may have both a penis and a vagina, wearing the brown wife-beater and black (shorts/skirt)?
3. The two “normal”...
What does it mean when your left nipple gets all rock-hard (not cold), but your right nipple is still soft and supple like a ripe raisin. Does that mean anything? I don’t have nipple cancer or anything like that, right?
I decided to get a tattoo. I really felt like I need to justify my unique musque. Also, as I age, I don’t want to go my whole life without permanent body art.
I also feel like I’m becoming a better person, so I wanted to share some changes I’m...
I’m trying to decide if I’d rather have my left knee chewed off by a hungry North Korean, or if I’d rather listen to ONE MORE goddamn speech by Barack Obama and/or Ben Bernanke about how they’re going to save this sinking ship
. You know,...
Yesterday my girlfriend told me she’s bi-curious.
“Really?” I said.
She nodded. “Would you be mad?”
“NO! I mean… no.”
“So you think it would be okay?”
“Well, I’m not trying to talk you into...
I’d rather be getting impregnated by a camel than be Ben Bernanke right now. That might seem extreme to you. But it’s not. Camels are very clean animals. And they don’t know how to print money. And they don’t lie. And they aren’t arrogant...
I’ve been watching Breaking Bad. The acting is non pareil (Latin phrase meant to impress the ladies), but it lacks several components:
1. No homos.
2. No “little people.”
3. No sword play.
4. Elves?
5. No cartoon personalities what sing.
6. No...
I was watching Lost with my girlfriend. And I was farting. A lot. We had jalapeno chicken soup tonight. She gets pretty upset when I fart a lot, but I can’t be responsible for her anger.
Anyway, I felt a real sofa-rumbler coming on, so I decided to get dramatic,...
Why do those Satan-worshiping evil communist-abedding miscreants Dora and Boots always go right when they start an adventure? I guess for Dora and Boots, east is “good” and west is “bad.” QED. (DEATH TO DORA AND BOOTS.)
Last night, I sat on my front porch with my father. We were having a couple of beers. Across the street a tree blossomed — gorgeous pink and red flowers. The weather was beautiful and my mood was fine.
I said to my dad, “That tree is so beautiful.”
He...
If a boy gets into a “pissing match” with a girl, is there any possible way she can win? Is this a valid metaphor? I don’t think it is.
All executives at Microsoft eat camel shit.
Web-development is a lot like stabbing screwdrivers in my eyes. I think Adobe and Microsoft should be forced to smear bacon grease all over their bodies and jump in a piranha-infested body of water. That’s just how I feel about it.
Being part of the status quo is easy. Marginalizing someone who is not is easy too. Not that I would know anything about such matters.
Pistachios are evil. They are the nuts of the devil. They were put on earth by Satan to distract us and cause us to keep eating them. All of them. Until the whole goddamn bowl is gone. I hate pistachios. And yet I love them. And that makes me hate myself. Bad pistachios....
I was lucky enough to meet the president of Liberia the other day. I gave him a copy of my book, after which, he brought me close and said, “Are there any negroes in your story?”
I pulled my head back and looked hard at him. “We don’t use...
Sometimes when I’ve been eating lima beans and cabbage, I sleep with my “fluffy” pillow between my legs so I can break wind on it. Then sometimes I take it with me to see “date” movies. That way I don’t feel so alone. Loneliness...
I’m seriously considering enhancing my breasts. Does anyone know any good plastic surgeons in Central Texas? I’d go as far as San Antonio to get a good job done. As I get older, I feel like I deserve to feel younger and more “sexy” and I’ve...
Tell me this: if all these goddamn geneticists are so smart, why come they don’t just invent grass and hair and fingernails that stay the same length? They sent men to the moon right? Are you telling me they can’t invent static hair and grass? That’s...
I have a big fat friend named “Mule Pump” (don’t know why they call him that). Anyway, I’ve decided I’m going to go find Steve Balmer, and then I’m going to let “Mule Pump” hold him down while I shove a copy of Windows...
I was at The Pub tonight. A short, fat, middle-aged man approached me and said, “Can I clean your headlights?” I
didn’t drive to The Pub (because I never do), so I said, “No?”
His eyes got wide, and then he sort of batted his eyelashes....
DUMBEST VERB ON EARTH: “Tweeting.” People who say they “tweet” should be forced to lick Barney Frank’s woolly back.
I met a guy the other day who said he tried to commit suicide by putting his head in a toilet and banging himself to death with the lid. He said all that happened was he knocked himself out and woke up with a headache. I think he was lucky he didn’t drown.
What’s on my mind? Well, for starters, I’d like to find out exactly WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN BIRD sprayed down the entire left side of my truck last night. How can anything capable of blowing that much turd actually take flight? It must have an asshole...
I’d give my left testicle to have a higher sperm-count. Plus I’d probably be a better bike-rider if I did that.
I have an idea. Why don’t we just print $12.8 trillion? Why wouldn’t that work? Also, everyone should get $100,000 per year. And we should shorten the work week to ten hours. And everyone should get a Ford. And a house. And every yard should get one...
Today I was running, and I passed a guy wearing a thong, black socks, and bowling shoes (no shirt, man boobs) using a weed eater to cut his entire yard. I said, “Why don’t you use a lawnmower?”
He stared at me for a minute with his mouth hanging...
Having a girlfriend with a job. I haven’t had to buy my own tacos in, like, a month.
I’m sitting here wearing my favorite “Spidey” bathing trunks my grandmother bought me when I was 9, listening to “Love Cats” by the Cure, holding a gallon of Rocky Road, and weeping mascara down my apples. I just watched Top Gun again,...
Apparently I somehow got signed up for something called FourSquare on my iPhone. Do you know what Four Square does? It tells your friends (or stalkers) where you are. What a fan-fucking-tastic app!
My cousin just called me. He said, “Dude, your dot hasn’t...
Oh. I get it now.
March 8, 2010, 12:52 PM
Women Who Drink Gain Less Weight
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Dieters are often advised to stop drinking alcohol to avoid the extra calories lurking in a glass of wine or a favorite cocktail. But new research suggests that...
My dad is always saying shit like, “Your great-great-grandfather was James Buchanan.”
And then I say, “He was gay, right?”
And my dad gets all furious and says, “Hell no he wasn’t no gay. He was president!”
But he was gay...
I’ve had enough Bernanke, Barack, Dora, Boots, and computers for today. And we don’t even have any goddamn snow in Austin. But at least I have my child. That’s all that matters. Well… that and smelling good. That’s important too.
I walked up to a man yesterday, and I said, “You’re a man.”
He looked at me strange and said, “Uh, yeah?”
Then I said, “You’re an ass man.”
And his face got all squished up and he said, “What did you just say?”
The...
Is it bad when you tell your girlfriend she’s fat?
And then she says, “Thank you for telling me that. I appreciate constructive criticism.”
And you say, “You’re welcome.”
And she says, “Can I make you some breakfast?”
And...
My wife and I went to Jamaica for her family reunion. I got a little drunk during the volleyball game, and I wound up back at her Uncle Mort’s cabana. Then I accidentally fucked him.
We took his diaper off before we “did it,” but I had to put...
“Love is saying ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘You’re wrong.’”
– Anonymous
I know what you're thinking.
Welcome to tonight’s episode of me wallowing in the aftermath of the latest pathetic event to cast...
USED GUACAMOLE SAUCE
Last night I ate some bad guacamole sauce (pronounced GWAH-KAH-MOH-LAY SAU-CE). I know because this morning I woke up and blew some bad guacamole sauce out my spinach shooter (pronounced SPI-NACH SHOOT-ER).
I’m not bringing...
Jesus. Fine Jew.
Christ was a Jew. And he was a nice Jew. And a good Jew. Let me tell you just how nice the Jesus was. If I were Son of God — as the Jesus was — I wouldn’t have let no Romans nail me to a motherfucking cross. And if they had?...
I let Tom Brokaw blow his DNA in my asshole
I turn on the television and all I hear is blah, blah, blah. Fucking idiot anchor on CNBC just talks and puts on fucking makeup. These people vomit nonsense.
Last night I was at a homo-bar in NYC, and I saw Tom Brokaw....
My dad is 75. He says there are no more shocking words left. He says, “When I was young, when someone said ‘fuck,’ it shocked the fuck out of us. You kids today use ‘fuck’ like a conjunction.”
My dad is wrong. There are lots...
Tonight I saw a man approach a couple sitting at a table at a fairly nice restaurant where I was dining. He stood next to the woman, jammed his left hand down his throat, and vomited on her head.
It was his ex-girlfriend.
Listen, if you’re going to throw...
I just found out Google won’t allow Adsense if the content of the site is “porno.” (They actually call it “porno.”)
My response? Watching midgets and fat people fuck isn’t “porno.” It’s the Discovery Channel.
I...
What is the appeal of (auto)erotic asphyxiation? First lets distinguish between the two…
1. Erotic asphyxiation occurs when an outside influence cuts off one’s oxygen supply prior to orgasm, thereby allegedly enhancing the experience.
2. Autoerotic...
Photo number one.
Your aunt is vomiting in the trash can.
Your mother is reaching for a bottle of Southern Comfort (just below the American flag).
And you? You stare at the camera like Clint Eastwood. You are a man of steel.
Photo number...
A lot of people ask me what an ass frito is. This is not an ass frito. But it makes me want to ask a lot of questions.
If the universe is chaotic and random, and everything is tending toward entropy, that necessarily makes us inefficient and — in the grand scheme of things — temporary glitches in the system. We represent aberration and waste in the strictest thermodynamic...
I just found out “Wiki” means “fast” in Hawaiian. It was somewhat of a let down, because for at least five years, I thought it meant “woolly asspipe” in Czech. Tonight is like the antithesis of Christmas for me.
For obvious reasons.
I...
I’ve decided to start over.
I’ve been drinking and buying domain names. I thought I was going to
get some good ones, but apparently I’m way behind the curve. Before we
get started, here’s my question: who
the fuck is buying these?
LIST OF...
I was sitting at the pub earlier and one of my friends said, “My wife Kweefed last night. It totally ruined the moment.”
“What’s ‘Kweef?’” I said.
Everybody at the table turned and looked at me. We sat like that for a minute,...
I think Ben Bernanke and Barack Obama are ass fucking.
The only difference between watching NASCAR and watching a ceiling fan is that the ceiling fan isn’t sponsored.
Sports I do not “get:”
1. NASCAR (obviously). 2. Golf. 3. Disc golf. 4. Dating. 5. Bowling (without beer). 6. Curling. 7. Michael Jackson....
There appears to be a correlation between “maturity” and declining testosterone levels in the male body. As it is my intention to postpone cancer-of-the-balls indefinitely, there’s absolutely no chance I will tone down my sophomoric humor. Ever.
Has anybody else masturbated while wearing a heart rate monitor? With some mid-quality porn, you can keep your heart rate just below your anaerobic threshold for a really long time before you blow your cannon.
I bought a purple cow for my bike, and when I squeeze it, it squeaks. I had a pet cow when I was a teenager. It’s name was Minerva. Minerva got hit by a truck.
Tonight I am sitting in the garage squeezing the plastic cow. The tears running down my cheeks...
I met this Asian man a few days ago. I don’t remember where, but you’ll have to take my word for it. We sized each other up, and then he said, “Wise man know he must love his pain.”
I stared him for a while longer (because that’s what...
My friend just called. He said: “Have you ever heard of a 460 magnum revolver?”
I said: “No.”
He said: “It’s the most powerful handgun in the world. I have to wear a special bra to shoot it.”
Silence.
Finally I said: “What...
I think I slept with Barry Obama at a fraternity in Chicago in 1989. I’m thinking about going public, except that he was really satisfying. And, well, I was drunk. I tested positive for herpes three weeks later, so I’m not sure what that means.
People keep asking me why I’m “on here all the time.” I’m not “on here all the time.” How much effort do you really think it takes to write this crap? Anyway, if I were “on here all the time,” when would I drink tequila,...
Today at the grocery store, the woman in front of me had dread locks and an odor like a cross between sweaty Birkenstocks and a dead goat. She was buying lobster. With food stamps.
I tapped her shoulder and said, “I can make my face look like a tomato.”...
I think I’m going to go sit in my front yard and yell random stuff at people walking by, like, “What time did the train hit the pig?” and “I think you have a midget growing out of your gas tank.” If you keep a straight face, and you...
Getting old sucks. It’s like getting old.
It's tough becoming the leader of the free world. And being a negro.
That was a lot of people in front of the Washington Monament today. I pushed the mute on the television, because I’m not enspired by Borak as everyone else is....
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